Every manager and every parent has met the same wall. Someone who won't engage, won't budge, won't do the thing, no matter how hard you push or how much you offer. 

Dr Justin Coulson has spent two decades inside the research explaining why pushing and bribing rarely work, and what actually does. 

Justin is a psychologist, bestselling author, host of the TV show Parental Guidance, and father of six daughters, and his work sits inside self-determination theory, one of the most evidence-based bodies of research in psychology. 

In this episode, I sit down with Justin to unpack the three basic psychological needs that shift someone from doing something because they have to, to doing it because they're genuinely on board. We also get into his early morning breathwork practice, why he believes boys are the solution rather than the problem, and a story involving his wife, a health retreat and a news website that will make you want to throw your phone into a river. 

If you've ever managed someone who just won't engage, or parented a kid who won't do anything without a fight, this conversation will change how you think about motivation altogether. 

Justin and I discuss: 

• The four levels of motivation, from extrinsic to intrinsic, and why chasing intrinsic motivation in a team or a family is setting the bar too high 

• The three basic psychological needs, relatedness, competence and autonomy, and why autonomy is often the linchpin 

• Why "autonomy" doesn't mean freedom, and what it actually means in practice 

• The three simple questions Justin uses with his own kids and with employees to work out where someone sits on the motivation continuum 

• How he uses breathwork and carbon dioxide tolerance as a daily practice in building resilience 

• What's really going on with boys today, and why Justin believes a healthy model of masculinity is the answer 

Key quotes 

"When people understand the value in the activity, when people buy the why, they will choose to do it autonomously, which means that you don't have motivation problems." 

"Most motivation problems aren't motivation problems at all. They're rationale problems." 

Connect with Justin Coulson on Instagram, LinkedIn and his website. Check out his latest book Boys, and listen to his podcast Happy Families. 

If this conversation got you thinking about motivation, I'd also recommend my episode with Dan Pink, where we dig further into the science of what drives us. Listen here.